When I was in school, I can remember being very distracted, and then eventually stressed out, during finals. I actually pulled off very good grades in high school, received a college scholarship, and later graduated from college but the educational process was a challenge for me. In college, I joked that I had the cleanest apartment in town because I would obsessively clean it just to avoid whatever scholastic task was at hand. Then I would completely stress out at the last minute, cram, stay up all night, and somehow manage to pull off decent grades most of the time. But in hindsight I realize that I lost out on some great learning opportunities due to my procrastination and "motivational paralysis." I would have loved to have learned more in school rather than just memorize things at the last minute and then regurgitate it all. I learned that reading eight of Shakespeare's plays in two days isn't the best way to process and retain information even if you do end up technically passing the test.
Thankfully I recognized this challenge in my life and have improved quite a bit. Actually, to be fair to myself, I have improved a lot and most people would never even guess that I struggled with procrastination and paralysis. I have found that it is easier for me to function more effectively now that I am out of school and able to "choose" many of my assignments in life.
But now I am dealing with children who seem to have inherited my issues and trust me, I feel paralyzed by this at times. Although I do find hope that the article it states that "these undesirable habits are acquired, not innate" and we can help our children realize that "they aren't genetically doomed." I also have hope that my kids can overcome their hard habits since I was able to do that for the most part.
We are approaching finals and I am seeing this cycle in my children's lives. We have minimizing, deception, and avoidance present in our home and it drives me crazy as a parent. I am hoping that "naming" the problem will help my sons understand destructive patterns in their lives and give them some tools to change habits and thought processes.
One of my sons is a perfectionist and will stay up way too late obsessing over doing a project perfectly. He also will try to sneak video games and other distractions to avoid starting the assignment. Eventually he'll create an amazing project or get the highest score on the test but the painful process almost negates the reward. He manages to earn high grades but I feel like the stress causes both of us harm. We've had to put filters on our computer to avoid video games and I will admit that sometimes I yell, "Squirrel" at him when he gets off-task during homework time (see this clip from the movie Up to understand that reference).
Another of my sons has been labeled as "Underachieving Gifted." Some people call this the smart-and-lazy-syndrome but I don't really think that fits. Motivational paralysis seems to better describe our experience. Usually he pulls off decent grades at the last minute but it is like a crazy roller coaster ride to me as a mom. I'll check his grades and see some D's. When I confront him he will say, "Those aren't REALLY D's." Well, they look like D's to me son. I try not to panic and I take deep breaths and remind myself that these are his grades, not mine, and he needs to take responsibility. I've tried taking away privileges, bribing, offering cash, sitting down to work with him, contacting teachers, writing lists, nagging, etc. and nothing seems to work. He is preparing to graduate from high school now and I am just praying that he figures out how to overcome his "undesirable habits" and "poor motivational health" and function well in the real world. It is scary as a mom but all I can do it help provide him with tools and hope that he has an educational "Come to Jesus" moment on his own at some point. I am letting him own his own behavior at this point. I'm done trying to be "Guido the Enforcer" like they warn of in the article. He is a good kid and I know he'll figure it out. But it is certainly hard to watch.
So for any other parents/spouses/teachers out there that are dealing with people who suffer from "motivational paralysis," I want you to know you are not alone. Hopefully by naming the issue, we will be able to understand the destructive patterns and cycles and overcome them.
I've copied and pasted some highlights from the "Hoagies Gifted" article. Click HERE to read their article in its entirety.
Break the Cycle of Shame
 | Make it clear that your love is unconditional, and that you don't want to be protected from reality, and mean it |
| Explain that hundreds of thousands have the same problem |
| Explain that these undesirable habits are acquired, not innate. They aren't genetically doomed |
| Stop the agony. If possible, create a sizeable period [several months to a year] of no deadlines, during which you and they work to understand how and why your patterns didn't work |
| Understand that feeling bad all the time isn't useful. Guilt, shame and avoidance are hobbies, not paths to improvement |
| If you can't abstain from deadlines entirely, limit the amount of time they are supposed to be working towards them |
| Read Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn, together. Talk seriously about the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation, and how they interact |
| Don't ask about the task -- ask about the goal |
| Don't confuse schooling with education. Add value to school tasks, and pursue challenging experiences outside of school |
| Don't ask how well they did on a test -- ask if they learned anything from it |
| Don't act as an external motivator -- every time you do, you undermine their development of self-management skills. Don't become "Guido the Enforcer" |
| Don't make them face it alone. Role model by working to understand your own motivational assumptions and skills (Note this blog post was written by Pam. I am a mother to three great boys and a Gilbert Supporters of the Gifted board member. I tend to tell it just like it is.) Update - November 2014: My "underachieving gifted" son is now attending our local community college in the Honors program and is thriving. I don't even have to nag him and he is turning in his work and earning high grades. Wish I would have known he'd pull it together later when I spent all that time worrying during his high school years. :) |
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